Letting Go Hurts the Most
by Joe-John the Black Blonde
Summary: You see, in the movies, you see them get a burst of strength to do impossible things, like lift ten ton rocks or push cars off of people's bodies. That isn't the case. You're either strong, or you're weak. In a matter of life or death, it's simply as it is. You either live, or you die. / Warning: Character death ; One-sided MidoxTaka ; One-shot


**Warning, this will get incredibly sad. ._. My heart ached as I wrote this. Seriously. Enjoy, as always, reviews are appreciated, but not necessary. Cry as you see fit.**

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I love him. I always have. I loved him in high school, and I love him now. But...I could never tell him. However, it's not only because we're of the same gender. Sure, that was the reason back when I was a teen and I thought people would be disgusted, but now there's a hell of a lot more to it. Four years ago, I was fresh out of college and I had finally gotten the nerve to go and see him again. This time, I'd tell him. This time, I won't let him slip away. That's what I kept thinking to myself. That I wouldn't let this man go ever again. But no. That never happened. When I saw him, I got the most heartbreaking news.

"Takao, I found a girlfriend." He had told me, his eyes practically sparkling.

I heard my heart crack. No...that wasn't how it was supposed to happen. But, it was rare to see him so happy. I couldn't bring myself to tell him. Besides, what would he say? How would this effect him? How would it effect his new girlfriend? I forced a smile -something I had taught myself to be good at- and hugged him.

"Congrats, Shin-chan! I wanna meet her sometime, okay?"

No. No, no, no, no. I don't want to meet her. I don't want to see her beautiful, flawless, smiling face. I don't want to meet the person that makes him so happy. I don't think my heart can take it. As much as I want to be happy for him, I just couldn't. I _can't. _I couldn't help but look at his smiling face and think:

Why can't he look at me like that?

I carried that heartache and jealousy with me for four years straight. I had to suffer through four years of birthday, Christmas, and New Year get togethers. I couldn't get a moment of peace with him without her being there with that sweet smile and flowing brown hair that makes me sick to my stomach. It was so rare for me to get a day of Shintarou without any interruptions. Even now, I can't have a day for just us.

Me and Shin-chan planned a day where we'd ride our bikes on the trail. Just to be away from all the noise and people. You don't know how grateful I was to him when he told his girlfriend it was a day for just us guys. Granted, I hate riding uphill, and this trail was nothing but steep slopes, but I just wanted this time for us. Best friends. That was what we were right? Partners for life? My heart ached at the thought. My partner. My lover.

I stared at him, drinking from my water bottle, as his thumbs worked quickly to send a text message. To _her, _no doubt. Why won't she just let us have our time? How did he get service out here anyway? It isn't fair!

It sounds weird. A 26-year-old man complaining and whining that it isn't fair that he's not getting a moment of peace with his friend. Pathetic. I'm pathetic. It's not about what I want. It's about Shin-chan. It's always been about Shin-chan. Always.

He slid his phone back into his pocket, not even bothering to ask if I was ready before starting up his bike again. I started to ask him to wait, then remembered I was drinking water when I started to choke and sputter instead. I tossed the half-empty water bottle into my backpack and started after him, huffing.

"Oi! Shin-chan! Wait up!"

"Speed up." Was his simple response. Sighing heavily, I did just that, now bike-riding side by side with him. We rode like that for a while, in silence. The only sound was the crunch of leaves underneath our bike tires. I began to open my mouth to start conversation, but Shintarou beat me to it.

"Momoko and I are getting married. I want you to be the best man."

The world went way too dark for a moment, and I felt myself tipping. Did...did he say _married? _He's _marrying _her? No...this can't be happening! They're supposed to have this huge argument...she...she's supposed to kick him out, and he'd come to my house because he doesn't have anywhere else to go! I'd tell him he deserves better! I'd tell him that...I'd tell him I love him!

It took a strong hand grabbing my bicep to snap me out of my frantic thoughts. We never stopped riding, but I apparently I was falling, and Shintarou pulled me upright harsh enough to clear my mind from everything except the tree I needed to evade. I swerved out of the way to a stop, my foot skidding on the dirt terrain. Shintarou looked at me, confused.

"Are you alright, Takao?" I looked up into his worry-filled eyes, and looked down. I couldn't look at that face.

"Yeah...sorry 'bout that. I guess...I'm just out of it." I shook my head and smiled up at him, laughing lightly for positive effect. "But marriage, huh? That's a big step, Shin-chan! I'm happy for ya!" He smiled softly in response.

"Yes. I'm truly lucky to have someone like her."

_Crack_, goes my heart. _Breathe, _responds my brain. He's lucky to have her. What am I? I'm not lucky. I was never lucky like him. I never got away with things, or got what I wanted. I never had the grace of Lady Luck in my corner. I've always lost, somehow. Someway. And right now, I'm even closer to losing Shintarou.

"Yeah, Shin-chan's really lucky to have someone so pretty." He ruffled my hair before starting off again. Just like old times...

"I'm positive you'll have someone to call your own too." The words were meant to be reassuring, but they hurt more than anything. That sealed it. I have no chance with him. I'm doomed to be without his love. His affections will always be directed to his girlfriend. No...his fiance now.

I started after him, staying quiet. I needed to empty my mind. This isn't real. I'm still 16 and in high school. I'm taking a leisurely bike ride with Shin-chan, my Ace. He doesn't have a girlfriend, only me. As always, he keeps his ridiculous lucky item in his bike basket. Today it's a chick statuette, a small top hat atop it's fuzzy little head.

"Oi, Takao, be careful." Shintarou's deep voice shook me to attention, and it was just then I noticed we weren't riding in the forest, but rather, a cliffy terrain. I nodded and stayed towards the wall of the cliff. It got silent again. I decided to shake it up with some good ol' Takao humor.

"Ne, you scared, Shin-chan~? If ya want, I'll guide your bike safely to the top, no worries~" I spoke with a babying tone, sure to annoy him. I could practically see him rolling his eyes ahead of me.

"Ha, very amusing." His tone was as flat as ever, and I couldn't help but laugh.

"I'm incredibly amusing, thank you, Shin-chan." Before anything else could be said however, it happened.

The rocks started to shake and shift beneath us, and a crack sound reached my ears. I felt my face go pale.

"We have to go back!" I shouted above the roar of the Earth.

"No! Forward!" Was the almost suicidal response.

"Are you _crazy?!_"

"Takao! Trust me!" With that, he zoomed on ahead, staying as close to the safety of the wall as possible. I followed behind him, weary of the trembling ledge. We're hundreds of meters off the ground. If we fall, we're going to die. We have to get off this cliff! Then, I felt something hard hit my head. I looked up to see pebbles chipping off the wall, getting bigger and bigger by the second.

"Shintarou! Watch out for the-" My eyes widened as I saw his bike flip, a result of a large, fist-sized rock planting intself in front of Shintarou's tire. "_SHINTAROU!_" I hustled faster than ever to get to him. _He's flying off the side...oh God...I have to catch him!_ That was the only thought I had. I had to save Shintarou. I had to save him. I jumped off the bike and slammed myself onto the ground just fast enough to grasp his wrist. I heard the grunt of pain as his stomach slammed into the side of the mountain.

I tried so hard to stay flat and unmoving throughout the entire shake, enduring the pelting of fairly sized rocks on my back. One hand was fastened securely on the wrist of my friend, the other protecting the back of my head. "Shintarou! Don't let go!" I screamed, pleading with him to hang in there. Then everything stopped. No more earthquake, no more large falling rocks, no more shifting of the incredibly hazardous cliff. I looked over the side, terrified green hues staring back up at me. His forehead was dripping blood, and I can only assume he was hit with a rock.

"Takao, pull me up!" His voice cracked horribly, and I could sense the panic and fear in his voice. I nodded almost frantically, grabbing his arm with both hands now, pulling with all my strength. The rough edge of the cliff dug into my armpits painfully, and I bit my tongue. No. No complaining. This isn't the time!

"Don't worry, I'll get you up! I got you, Shin-chan...!" I tried to be reassuring, but my grunts and struggling served no action to my words. I felt his body shift, and noticed him reaching for the edge. Okay...I only need to get him that far. I can do this!

You see, in the movies, you see them get a burst of strength to do impossible things, like lift ten ton rocks or push cars off of people's bodies. That isn't the case. You're either strong, or you're weak. In a matter of life or death, it's simply as it is. You either live, or you die.

I pulled with everything I had, but Shintarou was twice my weight, and pure muscle. I couldn't lift his dead weight. I felt my arms going numb. But still, I pulled, I wouldn't give up on my best friend. I refused.

"Shintarou, grab my arm and try to pull yourself up!" I instructed, trying to suppress the panic. Doing as I said, he grabbed onto my forearm, starting to pull. I felt myself slip, and I panicked. I let go with one arm to steady myself, immediately going back to grab him when I realized what I did. "I-I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I screamed, although I wasn't sure what I was apologizing for.

"It's okay, Takao," His voice was soothing to my ears. A bit too soothing. I looked down at him, startled to see water droplets on his face. Was it raining? No... "Please stop crying."

Why...why did he have to appear so calm? He was in a life or death situation! Why isn't he panicking?! I pulled harder. "I'm not going to let you fall, Shin-chan! I'll never let you go, d'you understand?!"

"Takao...you're my best friend."

"Shut up! Don't talk like I'm not going to pull you up! I can do it!" I squeezed my eyes shut as I pulled harder, shaking my head. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He sounded so...defeated.

"You're going to slip."

"I'm not going to slip! Don't give me that quitter talk! You're not a quitter! You always do the most you can do, and that's why you're the best, Shintarou! Did you forget about all that? Did you forget-"

"Takao!" My eyes snapped open, and I wished I hadn't. Tears also streamed down his face, falling off his chin to the unknown. Oh God...why is this happening? "We both know that you can't lift me up! Your chest is nearly halfway off the side of the cliff! If you don't let go, we're both going to die! I'm not letting you sacrifice yourself for me, Takao!"

This would be the time. This would be the moment in the movie where I confess everything. But he was right. I didn't want to admit it, but sooner or later, I was going to have to let go. And he would have to carry that burden on his chest, that _guilt. _No. I won't make this painful for him. My vision blurred as more tears welled up in my eyes.

"I don't want you to die, Shintarou..."

"I know, Takao." I gripped him tighter, my arms weak from pulling so hard. I could barely manage the force I was pulling at now.

There was a crack sound, and the entire ground lurched downwards. My body jumped, and I felt Shintarou slipping. I felt my body slide further off the ledge, and I had no choice but to hold myself up with a hand. But it was at the expense of Shintarou. The sweat and grime on my hand caused me to slip from his wrist to his hand.

"_SHINTAROU!_" I screamed on impulse, struggling more than ever to lift him to safety. He continued to slip. "_NO! NO! NO! NO!_"

"Takao please. You're making it worse." I cried heavily, barely able to see.

"Please...please don't fall..." I begged, as if he had a choice. As if he had a say in his death. That's the thing. We both knew the outcome to this, but I was the only one unwilling to accept it. I was torturing him. I was dragging it out. But...I can't bear to let him go. "This is my fault! It was my idea to do this stupid bike ride! It's my fault I took time away for myself when all you really wanted was to spend time with Momoko! It's my fault! My fault that you're hanging over this cliff right now! Please forgive me! Please forgive me!"

I could feel his sad chuckle vibrating through my own body. Why was he laughing...? Why...why, why, why?

"Takao. I want you to know something."

"Y-y-yes, Shin-cha-an?" It came out mostly as a whisper. I was afraid of what he was going to say. _You were the best partner I ever had. You'll always be my best friend. Don't ever replace me. _Departing words that would tear my heart out. But no. This was much, much worse. As I felt him slipping right through my fingers, he spoke.

"I always loved you." His nails raked my hand as our grip was no longer enough.

"Wait!" I called out, as if that was possible. I watched Shintarou fall, eyes shut, as if at peace. A scream rang through the air as I watched him disappear under the trees. It took me awhile to realize that the scream was my own. I scrambled up and backward, my back slamming against the wall. I kept screaming. I screamed and cried until my throat grew hoarse. Shintarou. Shintarou. Shintarou. Over and over.

Then I realized, he might still be alive down there. I ran. I ran as fast as my aching legs could take me. Shintarou. Shintarou. Shintarou. Screaming over and over and over. I searched everywhere. Off the trail. On the trail. I ran until I couldn't see where I was running anymore. No...I ran even then. I tripped suddenly, falling hard on my face. I looked to see what it was I tripped over, and my heart hammered.

"Shintarou!" I scrambled on my hands and knees over to his limp body, rolling him over onto his back. All showing skin was scratched horribly, most likely from the branches he fell through. He wasn't breathing. He wasn't moving. And -God- he was so cold...

I held him to my chest, crying harder than I've ever cried before. This man...this beautiful, beautiful man...was my life. He was my partner. My best friend. My everything. My heart belongs to him. Why...why did those words have to be his last? Why did he have to do that to me? He always loved me... That's what he said. I shook horribly, crying into the perfect green hair I loved so much.

I was unlucky. I will be the one to suffer with living without the other. I won't lower myself to self harm or suicide. No...Shin-chan wouldn't want that. Shin-chan would want me to move on. But how can I? How can I live without him? It hurts...it hurts so much... I've lost everything important to me. I kissed his freezing forehead, holding him tighter. Now, I live with only regret.

The regret of not ever telling him I love him.


End file.
